Manifesting The Perfect Space For Our San Pedro Ceremonies
Michael and I recently experienced two sessions with San
Pedro at Steve Eagle Sewell’s “Eagle’s Nest” in San Pedro, Vilcabamba (see my
blog posts for ceremony #1
and ceremony #2, and knew that we wanted to continue our processes with the Grandfather San
Pedro sacred plant medicine. Instead of traveling to Vilcabamba, we explored
how to invite Steve to Cuenca
and even extend the invitation to friends. Thus started a delightful process.
We’d need a beautiful, “tranquillo” place close to Cuenca to host the
ceremonies so we put out the request on some online forums. We looked at a
place close by in Nulti, but it didn’t seem right for the planned retreat. It
was a beautiful yet small space, full of charm, and Steve loved the photos we
sent him. He felt an immediate connection with the home. The owners were
beautiful Ecuadorians and were very open to the idea of hosting San Pedro
ceremonies there. We felt very blessed to have met them.
One evening, we were talking with some friends into the wee
hours of the morning, and the energy generated from our passionate conversation
about sharing San Pedro, experiencing San Pedro again, and the vivid
possibilities for future offerings to people that could really benefit from the
healing opportunities was truly inspiring and rich with intensity. The next
morning, I received a call from the people who offered their country home in
beautiful Yunguilla
Valley. We saw the
property the next day, and it was perfect, in every way! Talk about synchronicity
in opening up our desires and wishes to the universe and the universe
responding back so immediately!
We scheduled the retreat. Later Steve found out and shared
with us that he needed to move from Vilcabamba within the month and really
wanted to move to Cuenca
and create a “conscious community” there. So now the planned retreat was
serving two purposes – the retreat and an opportunity for him to explore Cuenca. While much of
this was unsettling at the time, as the universe was definitely closing many
doors while opening others, it was very apparent that things were unfolding in
beautiful ways.
Unbeknownst to Steve, I’d already reached back out to the
Nulti home owners, and they were willing to rent their home on a monthly basis.
I messaged this info to Steve, just before he was going to message me with a
request to reach out to them. He’d already envisioned himself living there and
continued to have a heartfelt connection with this precious home.
The retreat was magnificent and the healing energies felt
individually and collectively by all were very evident over the two days. We
returned to Cuenca,
and went to see the Nulti home. Wow – the lovely energy in that place was
beautiful and so appealing! Steve was able to complete securing the Nulti home
for his residence, and enjoyed exploring beautiful Cuenca.
Preparing for the San Pedro Ceremonies
Over the last year or so, much beautiful healing had already
occurred in working with the various plant medicines, Ayahuasca and San Pedro,
as well as Kambô. I’m so grateful for the gentle yet persistent unfolding that
has been occurring.
Recently I had the experience of seeing how persistent the
ego (or the protective part of me) can be in placing roadblocks to my ongoing
healing processes. I’d done an Ayahuasca ceremony in June 2016 and created an
audio recording of my experience the morning after. Several months later, I recounted
that same experience to my husband Michael, which included many descriptions of
horror, terror and frightening aspects of my journey. The next morning, I
re-listened to my initial audio recording of that ceremony and was shocked and
amazed at the dramatic differences between the two accounts. My audio recording
included many examples of strong and beautiful revelations, direction and
healing, and the love expressed by Mother Ayahuasca was hugely present all
throughout. My later recounting to my husband focused on dark terrifying images
and experiences. I had received some negative feedback (later realized it was
untrue and unjustified) about my participation in the ceremony and it felt like
I was making that person’s opinion my new truth about what really had happened.
If I believed that revised horrifying account, then it would be a slam-dunk
decision that I would NOT be working with Ayahuasca again. Why put myself
through such trauma?
It also became very apparent to me that this was only one
example where I (my ego or protective part) would put out roadblocks to prevent
me from going any further in my healing processes. It seemed as I would get
closer and closer to identifying and dissolving root issues, I would put the
brakes on, in supposedly legitimate ways.
One example is in my recent Kambô experience.
I did three Kambô ceremonies on consecutive days. I had a powerful first
ceremony, and then experienced this resistance during my second ceremony, so
the final third day I chose to receive the same number of Kambô points rather
than an increased number. While I had a powerful experience on that third day,
now I feel that I didn’t break through completely because I was too much in
control. I did appreciate the shaman's attention to my safety though, and I'll agree it's wise to err on that side.
Another example of putting on the brakes is in my previous
Ayahuasca and San Pedro experiences during my first 12-day retreat last year, when
I declined additional cups of medicine, so I stayed within my comfort (control)
zone while still having very powerful experiences.
Yet another example is during the last set of San Pedro
ceremonies last month. When everyone else drank more San Pedro on the second
day; I asked for the same amount and therefore my journey was not as intense
yet still justifiably powerful. And I had refused the opportunity to work with
Steve with some powerful healing processes while in the medicine. Thus far, no
further, please.
Yet in all these ceremonies, it was apparent to the shamans
/ facilitators that I was working intensely with the medicines therefore
couldn’t be faulted, only commended. Only I knew that I hadn’t seized the full
opportunities, and often after the ceremonies I would express my sadness that I
hadn’t gone further. At times, it felt my dismay was my ego talking. Which was
it really?
Another example, during my last San Pedro ceremony, towards
the end of the day when the medicine was wearing off, I heard a message that I
wasn’t to be doing more plant medicines until I had put a daily meditation into
consistent practice for at least 30 days in a row, not skipping any days. I
thought this was San Pedro speaking and it seemed quite reasonable that first I
should do my part in order to receive more guidance from him later. However the
harshness of this demand insisting on 30 days of consistency or being required
to start back at day one did not seem to ring true and it felt punitive and contracting
rather than inspiring and expansive.
When the upcoming retreat was scheduled a month later, I was hesitant to
participate. I didn’t want to be disrespectful of San Pedro’s directions and
perhaps incur his wrath. I knew I had made huge strides in being quiet and
appreciative every day, but I hadn’t attained that perfect meditative record of
30 days in a row. It was at this time, that I realized how warped my memory was
around my June Ayahuasca experience. So I questioned the legitimacy of this
command and wondered if it was from San Pedro or perhaps it was my protective
part / ego speaking so I wouldn’t progress further with ceremonies and
healings.
I have heard it said that once we've taken these plant medicines, that they remain within us. I have often felt the presence of both Mother Ayahuasca and Grandfather San Pedro, when not in ceremony. So I asked myself (and San Pedro) whether I should participate
in these upcoming ceremonies and the answer was, “Of course.” I also made the
commitment and intention to myself that I would go as deep as possible with the
medicine, now that I had identified my protective mechanism that had apparently
been in operation for some time. Also I shared my insights with my husband and
with Steve, so they would be aware and could support me if I started to back
away from a full experience.
San Pedro Ceremony – The First Day – November 14, 2016
We
held the first San Pedro ceremony on the day of the biggest and brightest
Super Moon in 70 years. There is much mystical significance to this
including powerful alignments regarding letting go, forgiving, transformations,
intuitions and synchronicities. I liked the online information here.
My intentions for these upcoming San Pedro ceremonies were
very similar to past intentions. I asked for San Pedro to show me / teach me /
heal me of issues around making myself “big/small” and believing what others
say about me, so I end up becoming that, and even recreating my past to
accommodate their imposed truth about me. For example, if I have a powerful
experience and feel “big” and good, and someone else contradicts that, then somehow
I tend to respond by negating my truth about my experience, and feeling “small”
and fading inconspicuously into the background. Somehow, I seem to do that
automatically, and don’t seem to realize that I am doing that, as it feels like
my response is on automatic pilot rather than following a conscious intention. So
I would make “them” right, and refute my own truth since it contradicts their
opinion. My desire was to get at the root of that behavior and heal it.
My intentions also included asking who to work/team with in
future endeavors, and how to most effectively help people integrate their plant
medicine experiences into their “real world” scenarios. I asked which plant
medicines I should be working with, and how often and with whom. I asked for
direction and/or healing for various physical issues. And I simply was open to
going as deep as needed in allowing San Pedro to assist me in exploring and
healing whatever was necessary.
Our retreat space is located in beautiful Yunguilla Valley,
and the historic home and well-kept grounds are warm and welcoming, and the
expansive vistas are breathtaking. After opening with a heartfelt prayer, and
everyone sharing their intentions and drinking the San Pedro medicine, we
chit-chatted some, then each of us chose our place to be as the medicine kicked
in.
For some reason, I couldn’t find a place to be comfortable.
I moved around from spot to spot, and was upset that “I can’t find my place” and “I
want to go home.” I realized that the medicine was already communicating
with me in bringing these frustrating emotions to the surface. Alternately, I
found a shady spot outside and went upstairs to lie down on my bed. I got
quiet, allowing the sacred medicine to work within me.
Apparently people can resist the medicine and thwart their experience. San Pedro seems to be most effective most of the time (not all of the time) when you simply relax, lie back, and get very quiet and meditative. If you’re being physically active, and mentally agitated and combative, then you can block the medicine. I have found it best to get into a very still space, and allow the medicine to take me to where it chooses. It does come in waves though, and periodically I would be impelled to get up and move to a different location, or to talk briefly with Steve or another participant. But always, I resettled down quickly, to continue the experience in the most powerful way possible.
The messages from Grandfather San Pedro came to me in a
different way this time. Some people hear a voice, and sometimes I did too, but
not often. Usually, it was a telepathic communication or feeling, and I would
write down the essential message in word-form, then go back to my quiet state. Later, I would knit the messages together, and see any connections, continuity and insights.
The mood music being played was annoying to me with the same
monotonous beat in the so-called soothing and relaxing song. When I requested
that it be changed, and when another participant said he liked it, I found
myself rebelling. I could hear my thinking clearly, but didn’t articulate it
aloud. Was this San Pedro communicating with me too? “I don’t want to be told ‘this’ is relaxing and ‘that’ is soothing. I
call bullshit on the lot.”
“I am not a
conformist.” Just because music (or anything else) is supposed to create
this mood or produce that feeling, doesn’t mean that it works for me. So I went
where I could be quiet and allowed the others to have their desired music
experience. No big deal.
During the morning hours, I wrote down several messages. But
mostly I was unaware of where I was going with San Pedro, what I was thinking
or not thinking, what I was feeling or not feeling. I seemed to be lost or
absorbed in a process outside of time and space because mostly I couldn’t
articulate what was happening within me. Apparently that’s a good place to be
when in the medicine, however for me it was challenging and I wasn’t sure if
the medicine was truly working without lots of outward evidence.
“You can’t trust
appearances. It’s not what it seems. It’s all ENERGY.” This was repeated
throughout the day, and the importance of seeing our actions, our thoughts and
feelings as energetically-based was super important. I felt a strong sense of
self-acceptance, self-love, and self-appreciation within myself, and this
energy was beautiful and rising magnificently within me. It felt very important
to be that self-absorbed and loving towards the beautiful creation that I am.
“It’s not what it
seems.” There’s much going on in this world that is not what it seems like
on the surface. Don’t be fooled. I could think of many examples relating to our
world’s current social, economic, and political environments, and how important
it was to see what was truly going on energetically.
“Cause and effect are
reversed, skewed. It’s not what you think.” This has generated much food
for thought since then. There are so many examples where cause and effect are
actually reversed, according to San Pedro. For example, being in relationship
doesn’t “cause” various negative behaviors to be created; instead we bring
those negative behaviors with us to the relationship. We think that an activity
will “cause” happiness; instead it is because we are happy that we enjoy the
“effect” of the happiness in an activity. What we often think is “cause” is
actually “effect” and vice versa. It’s important to know this. I’ve had some
fun playing with this idea since then.
“It’s all energy.”
I had a vivid sense of feeling my energy merging with the Gaia Earth energy,
and in her every breath, she was creating and recreating herself in every moment, and I was a
part of that action. This was not about Gaia Earth going through a rebirth into
another dimension, as has been talked about by others, rather I sensed that Gaia
Earth was inhaling and exhaling, and contracting with the creative energy and
in every moment she was a new creation. Since my energy was at a sufficient
level to participate, I felt myself break through and join the collective
energy in breathing her new life in each moment. It was because I was so “full
of myself” and appreciative and loving of myself that I was able to join in the
collective ongoing birthing breath of Gaia Earth. And in so doing, while I was
a part of the collective whole, it was as a fully realized individual set of loving energies
that I joined and I remained aware of my individual self while being an integral
part of the whole.
“You make it a reality
when you fight it. So let me ask you again, ‘Why are you fighting.’” Oh
this one is generating a lot of thought and re-thinking and being open to a
paradigm shift. San Pedro was quite adamant that my fighting for causes,
focusing on various issues, could be rather counterproductive and having the
opposite effect of making the non-desired reality even more real and more
resistant to correction, from an energetic viewpoint. I’ve come to the
conclusion to stop fighting myself, and when tempted to fight the good fight
with various causes, to first look at what energy is being created. And to
create the best energy possible in my responses. I know what that feels like,
and I know that I can shift my focus and correct when necessary.
“I don’t need
permission.”
During the morning, one of the participants was in quite a
“process” and I felt quite compelled to go over and offer assistance. I fought
with myself over this instinct for a long time, knowing that our facilitator Steve
was handling it and it probably wasn’t my place to “interfere.” Yet I still
felt compelled and realized that the battle within myself was that I had
constantly been thwarted in being allowed to follow my instincts in the past. I
knew that I had good instincts, and knew that it was important to act on them,
and not suppress them, while still honoring another’s wishes. Eventually, I did
go over and offer to listen / support, whenever and if desired. San Pedro’s
message was important to me for then and all time. I don’t need permission to
follow my instincts.
After a few hours, I checked in with Steve. I wasn’t feeling
strong emotions around anything as I was mostly in an unaware haze as the
medicine was working within me. Therefore I felt that focusing on resolving any
childhood issues would simply be a distraction from working with San Pedro in
the most effective way. Thank goodness that Steve didn’t fall for that, and he
asked me if I was willing to waste 30-60 minutes in doing a process with him. How
could I refuse?
I had already done 5-6 hours of forgiveness work during my
first Ayahuasca ceremony over a year ago, with 5-6 hours of purging and intense
communication with Mother Ayahuasca around the depths and breadths of what was
necessary to truly forgive and move on. I felt that I had already forgiven my mother
(and many others). Intellectually, I knew the power of forgiveness.
Emotionally, I could feel compassion for her, and I felt freed in many ways,
but maybe there was still some residual anger and resentment. Perhaps I hadn’t
allowed that little girl to fully feel all that she needed to feel, and
therefore let the hurt go. I really did not wish to entertain ingrained old
thought patterns and revisit old hurts and emotions that had been healed and thereby
bring my past reality into a present reality. Oh, who knows what was really
going on. I decided to take the leap and see what else might be revealed in
working with Steve.
It was a 4-step process. I remember 3 out of the 4 steps, and will update later on that missing step. The essence is all here though.
The first step was expressing all my anger, frustration and
feelings at my mother. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to take the higher
ground and simply express love and compassion to a very hurt person who had
been incapable of loving and caring for me. Steve encouraged me to let the
little girl have her say. Her full say. Out loud. And he had me write it down –
all the horrid words, terrible accusations and hateful truths.
Many of my phrases started with, “You had no right to…” I
found myself resisting expressing the grotesque feelings and needed to let the
little girl within me have free rein to finally say it all. No filters. She
didn’t want to love, she wanted to rage, she wanted to hate, she wanted to maim
and kill, she wanted revenge, she wanted to pound on her mother and scratch her
eyes and face out. She wanted permission to feel what she felt without being
told it was not proper. Previously, I had put the brakes on her expressing her
raw feelings, because I didn’t want that to explode into creating more bad
feelings, or into opening Pandora’s Box that would unleash an unquenchable and
non-restrainable rage – after all, shouldn’t love and compassion predominate? Hadn’t
I already forgiven?
This little girl had every right to be angry. Between ages 1 and 5 especially, she (I) had
been abused, and no one had heard her nor protected her
nor controlled their own urges so she wouldn’t be hurt. She had been put in the
position of being “mother” to her siblings and even the emotional caretaker of
her mother and father. She had loved and taught and given of herself, but it
hadn’t been enough; her mother always wanted more. She had loved and
contributed beyond her years but always had been beseeched to do more. She had
been ignored and abandoned when she needed help, guidance, or caring, and
consequently she rarely dared to ask for that help. She had been belittled and
shamed when she couldn’t heal the family problems or take care of herself. She
felt the shock and abandonment of having her needs rejected whenever she got
sick, and felt the pain of being guilty that she would want to be a burden when
her mother was so overwhelmed, but still she cried for being abandoned when she
needed her mother the most. She had been overwhelmed by the responsibility imposed
upon her and stunned when she was later betrayed, rejected, ostracized and excommunicated
from the family.
So she (I) raged, calling her (my) mother all the horrible vile,
violent, viscous, vindictive names (her name is Vi, so there is a play on words
here), and wishing that her mother were dead. Yet crying futilely for the love
that she had wanted so much, and never received fully. She was very conflicted
in her instinct to love and desire to be loved, yet at the same time be
extremely angry at the hurts and hatred piled upon her. She cried for her
contrary feelings of wanting to love her mother, yet fearing that if she
expressed her true feelings she would never have that love. She cried for how
that sweet innocent little baby that she’d been had been raged against, been
jealous of, and not recognized for the beautiful being that she was – she cried
out in pain thinking that if that sweet baby couldn’t be loved, then how could
she deserve love when she was no longer so sweet nor innocent. And she cried
for that emptiness and for futilely grasping for that which she had never had. And
for the contrary feelings of how she could possible love someone who was so
despicable, who was the devil incarnate.
Yet how could she not love, when she saw the hurt and
inability of her mother to be a true mother, yet that was the mother that hurt
her, in so many ways, physically, emotionally, and more, and had told her that she
was the one at fault, for not being spiritual enough. The mind fuck, the
manipulation, the lies, were incredibly real/unreal to her, and she cried for
not wanting to believe them, knowing that she would never have the love of her
mother if she openly rejected the insanity of her mother’s beliefs and actions.
She cried for how her brothers and sisters and children had been badly
influenced too, and how they had been told they should no longer be around her
nor love her. She cried thinking that she was undeserving of love from anyone.
I’m not sure what the second step is. Continuing on, in
spite of and because she endured such bad “stuff” from her mother, this little
girl had responded with good defenses and developing a variety of positive
coping skills and talents. The third step was all about, “Mom, you taught
me…”
-
I am a survivor, and a thriver.
-
I am innocent.
-
Nothing gets me down. I’m resilient.
At this point, San Pedro interjected, “You are NO THING.” This statement was from my last ceremony, where he had told me I was “no thing.” And I have puzzled over that since then. Perhaps it meant that I felt I was nothing, or worth nothing unless I excelled in my various “roles.” Today I took exception to being told that I was nothing, or no thing. And I rose up against the “authority” of San Pedro, in the moment, and declared quite vehemently, “Fuck you! I AM!” And slammed my fist on the table in emphasis of that fact!
No one was going to tell me, based on their authority who I was and who I wasn’t. It became apparent to me, in that moment, that San Pedro had been baiting me, telling me that I was “no thing” and trying to get me to rebel, to refuse to be played with that way. And I had conveniently forgotten that he’d also showed me in the other ceremony that I was a “star.”
Indirectly, in rebellion to my mother’s examples, I learned not to kowtow to authority, her authority or any other authority. She was a perfect example of being an authority figure that should not be respected or obeyed, because she did NOT have it right. That was very obvious to me as a child, so I learned to be my own authority. I learned to discern the truth and reject authority when it was not speaking truth. I learned that it was OK to judge and reject lies. But I learned to often hide these awarenesses, and not be outwardly expressive of my truth too. It wasn’t safe to do so at home, usually.
I remembered so many examples in my childhood where I resisted authority. In math class, we were working with new textbooks. The answers were listed in the back. I would work the math problems and then check in the back. When I found that their answer didn’t match my answer, I would take the case to my teacher, who would then work the problem, and confirm the book’s answer. Then I would show the teacher how I had arrived at my answer, thus proving to her that I had worked the problem correctly, not her, and not the book’s author. This happened repeatedly, and while I was open to revisiting my work, I was usually right and the book’s answers were wrong.
Steve’s response to my retort to San Pedro’s, “You are NO THING” and my response, “Fuck You!” was that those are the two most powerful words in the English language. I responded, “Yes: Fuck You!” Of course, he meant, “I AM!” Both work.
So that interchange led to articulating the next things that Mom “taught” me:
-
I am my authority.
-
I can discern and reject lies.
-
I don’t trick people.
-
I don’t manipulate people.
-
I inspire people to rise up and be their best, knowing
it doesn’t take away from me.
-
I don’t take other people’s energies.
-
I tell it like it is. I call a spade a spade.
-
I don’t abuse people.
-
I don’t lie.
-
I don’t put people down; instead I champion people.
-
I don’t take shit from anyone.
The fourth step was identifying who I am. As I did so, Steve
would respond, “And your mother wasn’t/didn’t.” This was very eye-opening to
me.
-
I have integrity. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I have a big heart. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I have innocence. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I am strong. (and your mother wasn’t)
-
I never give up. (and your mother did give up)
-
I never lose sight of my divinity. (and your mother did
lose sight of hers)
-
I never lose sight of your divinity. (and your mother
did lose sight of others’)
-
I always love. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I always teach. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I attract wonderful people. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I am willing to do my inner work. (and your mother
didn’t)
-
I am COURAGEOUS. (and your mother wasn’t)
-
I wish to recognize my voice. (and your mother didn’t)
- I doubt/question/rethink. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I love. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I love myself. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I allow myself to be loved. (and your mother didn’t)
-
I don’t hide. (and your mother did hide)
-
I am very important; my contributions are important. (and
your mother wasn’t)
We burned the papers with all my negative outpourings on it.
So that’s why you are not reading all the gory details, because they are
resolved and burned up, and not to be revisited. The little girl has expressed
herself fully and is happy to have been heard.
During the middle of this process, there was a commotion
outside the property. A little boy had been hurt, and needed to be taken to the
hospital. Steve acted on his responsibility to our group to maintain the
“container” or the protective space of our retreat and not have his assistant
leave with the car to go to the hospital. Fortunately someone was able to take
the little boy to the hospital quickly, so it all worked out well. However,
there was such a temptation within myself and perhaps with others to ignore the
fragile process that I was in, and tend to someone else’s needs and not mine. Or
for someone else to have other valuable insights on how to handle the situation
that would have resulted in stopping my process to take care of the emergency
differently. I’m grateful that all worked out well, and that a different
scenario played out – that I was taken care of for a change, and it did not
result in someone else being hurt by the attention to me. It can be inspiring
yet puzzling at times to see how San Pedro is working in different ways, with
different messages, to different people, yet all through the same incident.
We enjoyed some fruit salad mid-afternoon, which created
that “bounce” or the second half of our San Pedro ceremony experience.
Apparently in the morning, we take San Pedro on an empty stomach and experience the first set of sacred medicine effects; then when we eat, our
digestive enzymes start working on the San Pedro, and more medicine effects are
released. I recall mostly being quiet that afternoon, and purposely staying
with myself. Once again, I couldn’t recall much of what San Pedro might be
saying to me, or what I was feeling. I simply was in the medicine without
conscious recall or access to normal brain functions. Mostly, I zoned out but did
not sleep. I did notice that my body, especially my legs were shaking. And my
hands felt electrified.
Dinner was delicious and the vegetarian soup was most
appreciated. We shared our experiences of the day, although often it was hard
for most of us to articulate that which is challenging to put into mere words.
The “glitter” tradition continued with all of us being anointed and sprinkled
with glitter.
We drew Doreen Virtue Archangel cards that evening. The card
images and meanings are from her website. I chose to draw 3 cards and they
were:
Card #1: Take Back Your Power
Additional Message: “You are a luminary: a sage, a wise one,
a high-priestess/high-priest, a wizard, and a supreme manifestor. Now is the
time to summon up your spiritual strength and power and put your authority into
action. Lovingly and firmly transform your intentions into reality. Say prayers
about your intentions, and ask for guidance and signs to shape your
manifestations to the highest possible level.”
Working with Archangel Raziel: Archangel Raziel’s name means
“Secrets of God,” and this archangel will help you understand esoteric
spiritual ideas and apply them in practical ways. Call upon Raziel to assist
your alchemical work—to turn ideas into gold.
Card #2: Spiritual Understanding
Archangel Raziel: “I’m bringing you esoteric information and
symbols, and helping you understand spiritual truths.”
Additional Message: “Your spiritual understanding is rising
to another level, as you open up to new ways of looking at life. Keep an open
mind, and let go of limited thinking and illusions. Pay attention to
signs—information that comes to you three times or more. Notice geometric shapes
and symbols in your physical and psychic vision. Know that your increased
awareness may shift your relationships and career goals. I’ll guide you through
these changes so your life mirrors your inner experiences.”
Working with Archangel Raziel: As the wizard and alchemist
of the archangel realm, Raziel helps us understand ideas that defy normal
logic. He expands and challenges everyday thinking in ways that ultimately have
healing effects. If you hunger for deep spiritual understanding, ask Raziel to
enter your dreams. You’ll soul-travel with him to classrooms where he’ll help
you uncover truths and secrets. Upon awakening, you may not fully remember or
understand Raziel’s teachings, yet this knowledge is permanently imbedded in
your subconscious, where it guides you throughout each day.
Card #3: Passion
Archangel Haniel: “Trust and follow your renewed passion in
your love life and career.”
Additional Message: “Playing it safe can lead to staleness
and depression. You’ve asked for more happiness and definite direction. I’ve
lit the flame of passion in your heart to lead and guide you. It’s safe for you
to take risks and follow your heart’s desire. Ask me to be your partner
along your path of passion, to guide and nurture you. When you feel a strong
knowingness, alongside a burning passion, pay attention, as this is my way of
giving you information about your next step.”
Working with Archangel Haniel: Haniel’s name means “Glory of
God.” Haniel can help you give glory to God by living at your highest
potential. She’ll groom your hidden talents, and help you polish your skills.
Then, when you apply your masterful ways to your true passions, Divine magic
occurs!
These three cards meant a lot to me, as I saw the precious
gifts of the messages as they related to me, and felt very empowered, even as I
wasn’t quite sure what had happened during ceremony that day. I felt that I had
taken back my power when I completed the process around my mother. I felt very
connected with the Divine that day, and sensed lessons and healing were
occurring on other levels that I might not always be aware of, but didn’t need
to be. And it was beautiful to have the reminder to follow my passion. I had
replaced the focus on “life purpose” with “passion” as that seemed to more
accurately provide a barometer as to where to place our life energies. Such a
sweet reminder. And I had felt the touch of the “passion” magic with how this
retreat had manifested and come into being!
San Pedro Ceremony – The Second Day – November 15, 2016
I wasn’t sure what to expect on this second day. The first ceremony
day had been very unusual, to say the least. I had written a lot down, but more
so, I had simply laid down, and allowed San Pedro to work within me, and really
couldn’t define what had happened with me that first day. I simply didn’t have
the normal cognitive activity happening. I felt emptied out, and filled up, but
wasn’t truly aware of what I was now filled up with.
So I revisited my intentions, but kept them mostly the same.
For me, it took about an hour longer for the San Pedro to “kick in” and others
had the same experience, although for one person, San Pedro kicked in
practically immediately.For me, all throughout this second day, it was mostly a surreal experience noticing all that nature had to offer.
“Who are you?” San
Pedro asked me this question. I had been wondering myself who I was, now that
I’d emptied out childhood “stuff” and was filling up with different “stuff.”
“I am consciousness,
creating and recreating, always.” This is an important message from San
Pedro, continuing the messaging from yesterday around my experience with being
part of the creative breath of Gaia Earth, and affirming simply that I am
consciousness, that that is my identity, and my activity is in creating and
recreating, constantly in every moment.
“Treat him as if he’s
awakened already. Speak to his true self. Don’t be fooled.” This was in response
to how to communicate with others. Good advice.
“Revel in pleasure.”
“Take great pleasure
in all you do.”
“Laugh at it all.”
“Delight is your
meditation.”
“Laugh, frolic, be
happy and full of joy.”
“This is your
contribution to the essential energy of Gaia.”
It was emphasized that the regular meditation practice was
not for me – that my “meditation” or “daily practice” was in recognizing all
the delights around me. This was to be an active, ongoing, joyous recognition.
Nothing serious, seriously. And that this is what is contributing to every
breath of our precious Gaia Earth as she creates and recreates herself. It was
emphasized how important I was, and that my contribution needed to be my unique
contribution and was very valued. And that to the extent that I raised my
energy that way, through reveling in pleasure, laughing and delighting, that I (my
energy) would break through and merge with the collective energy and
contribute.
The best contribution is unbridled joy and experiencing true
pleasure. It was demonstrated that even a dog pooping spontaneously is a great
example of pure unadulterated joy and valued. So no judging on what is an important
contribution or not.
“Be very still and
drink it in. Because that is what matters.”
At one point, I was simply drinking it all in, the beauty,
the vibrancy, and truly reveling in it. I loved being in nature, simply being
quiet, simply enjoying it. I can do THIS! It’s such a pleasure! In response, I
felt San Pedro communicate:
“That was a lesson –
Ha! Did it give you pleasure? Yes. Score!”
I guess it’s a good idea to do more of that! And I will! It’s not a waste of time at all. In fact that is EXACTLY the energy that Gaia Earth is able to receive. And it’s delightful for me to contribute it as it is so satisfying to be so fulfilled individually, and at the same time be so connected with the collective consciousness.
I guess it’s a good idea to do more of that! And I will! It’s not a waste of time at all. In fact that is EXACTLY the energy that Gaia Earth is able to receive. And it’s delightful for me to contribute it as it is so satisfying to be so fulfilled individually, and at the same time be so connected with the collective consciousness.
Eventually I asked the question about why sometimes I make
myself “small” or “big” and heard San Pedro’s question in my head, “Who do you think you are?” I recognized
this as my mother’s voice, and realized that my past actions had been in
response to that question, when I’d feel belittled and need to make myself
“small” in order to survive, when really I was “big.” I heard my new response
to that question, “I AM magnificent; I am
unblemished; I am unfettered.” And I knew I had let go of that old
patterning.
I asked some questions about the health issues and heard, “You know the answers.” I knew that I
could trust my instincts and follow the right direction to healing. I was being
asked to step up and participate as a fully functioning intuitive and powerful
being who could take care of herself, and knew she could trust herself. I felt
myself as being shaky or unsteady at times, but still definitely stepping into
this power.
I asked about working with various people, in different
ventures. And again, I heard the response, “What
would give YOU pleasure? Do that!” And I knew the answers, as I questioned
myself about each potential partner. It was very clear. I appreciated that very
clear direction – what gives you pleasure? And I wasn’t locked in and could
change direction as it felt right.
“Courage is being
willing to follow your heart.”
I also asked about which plant medicines to work with, how
often, and with whom? The reply was, “You
really don’t need any more right now. You’ve got so much connection already. Practice.
Use it. Bring it into play.” It was emphasized that I could make those
decisions in the future, when I felt the calling. I felt really good that not
only did I now have the information and communication needed from Mother
Ayahuasca, Grandfather San Pedro and Kambô, but at this point I was in an
excellent place to integrate effectively those messages into real life actions. I didn't feel locked out of future experiences and right now the emphasis will be different for me.
There was such a gentleness and kindness to his message, “Come visit but no need. I’m always with
you.”
I asked some questions about my desire to help people
integrate their plant medicine experiences into their life. Would he share his
insights please. I heard clearly, “No, I
want to hear YOUR insights.” So I went through a few ideas, and he
responded, “Sounds good. Start.”
I heard his emphasis that I was important, that my
contributions were very important, and that it wasn’t always about me listening
to his directions, his instructions, his insights. That I had the ability and
even the responsibility to contribute myself in my unique way.
In fact, when we are full of ourselves, we are contributing
much needed resources to the world, to Gaia Earth. So what are my unique and
special contributions and ideas?
“You have been given
so much. Use it.”
“Be nice. Be aware.
Slow down.”
“What gives you
pleasure? Do that. That is what contributes to Gaia Earth the most.”
“I am enough.”
He reassured me that, “It
makes no difference who you reach, that it’s all about energy and the energy
you bring to your moments. It’s important to be thoroughly self-full,
self-loving, self-appreciating, and reveling in what pleasures you, as only
then are you a part of the breath of Gaia Earth – and each breath is a new
birth. We need you – you are important!”
“I am part of the
breath of Gaia – each breath is a new birth.”
“Love.”
“Appreciate.”
“Delight.”
“Laugh.”
“Play.”
“That’s being close to
Grandfather San Pedro.”
“That’s how you
commune with me.”
“You already do.”
“Stay childlike, even
childish.”
“It’s all such
innocent fun-loving play.”
“Laugh, love, play,
delight.”
I noticed that I couldn’t wear anything that day but PINK. It
is important to wear colors, hot, vibrant, rich colors, no drab for me. Shine
in colors! Celebrate!
I wrote down different aspects of who I am.
I’m so magnificent, it’s wonderful.
I’m powerful.
I’m insightful.
I’m caring.
I’m loving.
I’m full of heart. I AM heart.
I’m INTUITIVE –
very!
(This is apparently a big one as I put a box around it and an arrow
pointing to it.)
“It’s all energy.”
“Put your good energy
in the activity and it helps Gaia.”
“There is no need for
outward activities. Energy is key.”
“What energy do you
put in your thoughts and actions? That’s what counts.”
“When we are full of
ourselves, we are contributing much needed resources to the world.”
“It makes no
difference who your efforts reach; it’s all energy and that’s what counts.”
“I am enough. I get to
do whatever gives me pleasure. That is enough.”
Throughout the day, and ever since then, my hands especially
are fizzing, buzzing with energy, and feel totally electrified.
Throughout the day, I felt like I was being given a course
in manifestation – how to manifest effectively, and what might not work as
well. The key was to focus single-heartedly, coming from my heart and love on
what was desired. For example, don’t try to un-create something that is
unpleasant by sending it light – that might work eventually but is rather
inefficient; instead focus on what you truly wish to have instead. It’s like in
the Matrix movie, where they talk about bending the spoon – the key is to
realize there is no spoon. So you aren't putting the focus on the spoon.
Another example was don’t try to correct a physical health
problem, since the focus on the problem encourages the persistent ongoing
reality of that problem. Instead focus on the experience of excellent health
and better yet, focus on something totally different that takes your mind off
of the problem or anything remotely reminiscent of that problem.
And if we are trying to resolve a water shortage problem,
concentrate of celebrating the abundance of water, rather than the contracting
energy of having to conserve every drop and revering that action. Let’s
manifest abundance, not conservation. Of course, this is not about creating the
energy of wasting water either. Again, it’s a fine line – where is your energy,
what is your focus?
What we resist persists. So eliminate the resistance by
allowing and reveling in abundance, joy and goodness. We create that upon which
we focus.
Now I do get that this can be a challenge since there is
such a fine line in differing energies, focuses, and intentions, yet the
insights provided in how to effectively manifest were extraordinarily powerful
and San Pedro kept it very simple. The slightest re-focus, and re-adjustment
can be powerful and effective. So stay conscious of where/what the energy truly
is!
The energy – enthusiasm, delight, pleasure and love that we
bring to our thoughts and actions is key and that is all that is important. And
the right focus is essential. We don’t even have to worry about who will
benefit; just focus on the purest and best intentions, know that the energy
produced is working in wondrous ways, and allow the magic which is truly what
is “normal” to unfold.
In the afternoon, I continued to be as quiet as possible. At
times, my eyes were closed. At other times, my eyes and ears were open to the
magnificent expressions of nature. And nature was performing indeed!
I witnessed the buzzard hawks squawking, circling, and
soaring; sometimes a baby was following the mama/papa, copying their flight
path with minute adjustments of their wing tips. Magnificent white egrets majestically
and powerfully swooped across the sky. This was combined with the trees
rustling and blowing in the wind. Many birds were singing, each with a
different song and cadence. One seemed to be singing, “Three Blind Mice.” The
Pacific horneros were chiming with their distinctive icaros, so reminiscent of
what is sung in Ayahuasca ceremonies. One brilliant red bird continuously
perched on a ridge pole and left momentarily, immediately coming back, taking
great delight in his constant coming and going. The bullfrogs, cows and sheep
also contributed melodiously. Even the joy of teenagers roaring by on their
scooter blended harmoniously. There were bass elements to the nature sounds;
there were treble elements chiming in and everything in between. Perfection in
delicious chaos and varying cadences!
The purple / pink / blues / whites of the sky, along with
the changing shadows, colors and textures of the mountains and clouds were
gorgeous. The changing patterns of the wispy and puffy clouds were in each moment
perfect, and in each moment fresh and new. The green foliage swayed in
free-form dances buffeted by the gentle breezes and wind gusts.
For one to two hours, the only thing I did was thrill with
delight with this ongoing nature symphony and I reveled in every moment. It
felt like one of my favorite Tchaikovsky symphony masterpieces where the genius
composer had imaginatively set it up so all the orchestra instruments were
talking back and forth with each other, in true playful form and having a
glorious conversation through their music. What a show!
Nature is glorious in and of herself, and on the San Pedro medicine, it is breathtakingly spectacular beyond anything one could describe. I highly recommend this sublime taste of heaven to all.
“Nature is a pleasure
symphony of sounds and colors.”
“There is a continuous
orgasm of pleasures creating and recreating.”
And I was told by the dear Grandfather that this was no
waste of time. Rather my act of delightfully enjoying nature’s symphony was
contributing magnificently to Gaia Earth’s breath as she continued to birth
each of her creation moments.
Our evening was so pleasant, with a dinner of delicious
vegetable soup and enjoyable times with good friends. We were “glitterfied”
once again with sparkly white glitter and indulged in some Amor wafers as a
special dessert.
We drew Doreen Virtue Archangel cards again that night. I
drew 3 cards which are:
Card #1 - Crystal Clear Intentions
Archangel Michael: “Be clear about what you desire, and
focus upon it with unwavering faith.”
Additional Message: “After praying for guidance, be bold
enough to admit what you truly desire. Know that you (along with everyone else)
deserve the best of everything, in all ways. Prosperity and abundance are God’s
wishes for everyone. You stake your claim on your share of the inheritance
by forming a clear mental picture of your desires. Allow yourself to imagine
that this desire has already manifested, and experience the emotional and
physical feelings of your manifested desire.Don’t worry how the desire will manifest—the infinite creativity of the Creator will bring it to you in very clever ways. Simply follow any inner guidance to take steps to co-create this Divine desire, and allow yourself to receive good as it comes your way.”
Working with Archangel Michael: Michael’s aura is royal blue mixed with tinges of royal purple. When he’s nearby, you may see cobalt-blue sparkles of light. The crystal stone sugalite is aligned with Archangel Michael’s energy. If you wear a sugalite pendant, you may find yourself channeling profound and loving messages from Michael when you speak.
On a personal note, I have included a picture of this beautiful crystal stone sugalite since the colors so resonate with me, and are some of my favorite colors!
Card #2 - Gifts From God
Card #2 - Gifts From God
Archangel Sandalphon: “We angels bring you gifts from your
Creator. Open your arms to receive.”
Additional Message: “Heaven is expansive and
ever-increasing. One of the ways in which Heaven expands is through giving and
sending love continuously. This love is sent your way in many forms, and your
only task is to be willing to receive. Right now, the answers to your
prayers await your willing receptivity. Open your arms to these gifts! Your
Creator wills that you be happy, healthy, secure, and that all your needs
will be provided. Release any fears of receiving to me.”
Working with Archangel Sandalphon: One of Sandalphon’s
principal roles is to deliver and answer our prayers. Sandalphon says that
every prayer is heard and answered (although the answer may come in a different
form than we expect). All prayers are of equal importance in Heaven, and there
are plenty of angels to help everyone on Earth. Call upon Sandalphon when you
need help in allowing yourself to receive.
Card 3 - Clairvoyance
Archangel Raziel: “I’m helping your spiritual sight to
awaken fully so you can clearly see Heavenly love.”
Additional Message: “Your clairvoyance may come in different
forms: as fleeting mental images in your mind’s eye; as dreams; as recurring
sights in the physical world; as auras and energy; or as apparition
experiences. All of the facets of clairvoyance are beautiful and varied.
Enjoy and trust them. Hold the intention of seeing only love, and that is what
you’ll see.”
Working with Archangel Raziel: Raziel’s aura holds all the
colors of the rainbow, like a beautiful prism of light. Working with clear
quartz crystals magnifies clairvoyance and helps you feel closer to Raziel.
While I could have chosen more cards, I decided to “stop
while I was ahead.” These cards were so amazingly positive and powerful. I felt
incredibly and beautifully blessed. The best way to manifest is to have Crystal
Clear Intentions and then let go. I’d been seeing vivid royal blue and purple
star bursts against a black background when I closed my eyes that day, so I loved
hearing about the sugalite stone which has the same colors. I felt showered
with the promise to receive Gifts from God, and prayed that I would be able to
receive them. I had received the Clairvoyance card previously and it was a
timely reminder to recognize clairvoyance as one of my gifts / talents. I felt
blessed, elevated to a new level of power and awareness of who I really was,
and at the same time, humbled as I was still taking in the magnificence of it
all. It’s all part of that new programming of, “Who do you think you are?”
The next morning, as we were coming home, I felt like I was
still experiencing nature and my environment as though I was in the San Pedro
medicine still. Last time, I had felt a letdown and sadness as we traveled home;
this time I was joyously reveling in the beauty of it all. My hands continue to
vibrate, and at times it’s been even hard to type this. I’m allowing time to
process and integrate this, and know that all works well in good time, as I
will be guided to the right time and right place and right actions with the
right people, naturally.
Addendum: These past two months, my hands have continued to buzz and fizz, especially as I was thinking of ideas, thoughts that were more in the metaphysical, intuitive arenas. At times, it has been quite intense - I have felt there needs to be something supporting this new "energy release" or whatever it is, so I'm taking those steps in working with an energy worker.
Also I feel that I have not left the medicine, nor has the medicine left me. It took at least 3-4 weeks for me to feel mostly "settled" back into "myself" and my life has been colored and imbued with beautiful enhanced experiences as though I was still fully in the medicine. Whether it's simply taking a walk and enjoying nature, or doing an extensive hike to the Ecuadorian Cajas mountains to experience the "magic forest" and visit with an ethereal spirit of an ancient quinoa tree (see my blog post here), or any another "normal" activity, I'm experiencing it all in a completely different way that is precious and beautiful. In some ways, I feel like I have shifted into another world or dimension or time-shift. This feels rather surreal at times, but hey it also feels quite natural being in my new "skin."
I have felt very impelled to work with a holistic doctor team and energy worker to bring my body, mind, spirit into better working order. The cleansing and healing provided by the plant medicines, both emotional and physical, have been amazing, and I have become very aware that I need some expert integration support so that I can repair and prepare my whole being in a complete way. It's a beautiful journey in loving self-care and I'll say more about that in a later post.
Addendum: These past two months, my hands have continued to buzz and fizz, especially as I was thinking of ideas, thoughts that were more in the metaphysical, intuitive arenas. At times, it has been quite intense - I have felt there needs to be something supporting this new "energy release" or whatever it is, so I'm taking those steps in working with an energy worker.
Also I feel that I have not left the medicine, nor has the medicine left me. It took at least 3-4 weeks for me to feel mostly "settled" back into "myself" and my life has been colored and imbued with beautiful enhanced experiences as though I was still fully in the medicine. Whether it's simply taking a walk and enjoying nature, or doing an extensive hike to the Ecuadorian Cajas mountains to experience the "magic forest" and visit with an ethereal spirit of an ancient quinoa tree (see my blog post here), or any another "normal" activity, I'm experiencing it all in a completely different way that is precious and beautiful. In some ways, I feel like I have shifted into another world or dimension or time-shift. This feels rather surreal at times, but hey it also feels quite natural being in my new "skin."
I have felt very impelled to work with a holistic doctor team and energy worker to bring my body, mind, spirit into better working order. The cleansing and healing provided by the plant medicines, both emotional and physical, have been amazing, and I have become very aware that I need some expert integration support so that I can repair and prepare my whole being in a complete way. It's a beautiful journey in loving self-care and I'll say more about that in a later post.
